2015. Bring It!

I logged in and noticed that I have not written anything since I was 22 weeks pregnant. She is now 2 years old. My miracle baby. My red-headed spitfire. My monkey. As any mom knows, words can't express what she means to me. We tried so hard and waited so long for her. But I digress from what I was intending to jot down.

I look forward to 2015. It is a fresh start for me. It has been a trying year. Nothing too terrible, just growing pains I think.

2014 Highlights.
I signed up for the Susan G Komen 3 Day in February. I hit the ground running with fundraising and met my goal by summer. Then I helped the rest of the team meet their goal (I needed someone to walk with me!). I had a blast and grew closer to a couple girls who now hold a special place in my heart. They were there for me and I will get to that.

As an adult, I still struggle with feeling left out of cliques. So I decided to quit trying to join those cliques. I had my feelings hurt repeatedly (and to be honest, I still get them hurt) over the past year. This fall I quit caring as much and actually focused on the amazing friends and folks that I surround myself with. Jeff and I started having friends over for dinner and we got to know some awesome people better. I am still getting to know them and count myself very lucky to have crossed paths with them. I also know it is not luck, God put those people in my world. He knew I needed people with my values and gave me some!

We FINALLY moved out of the cabana into our own house on Mother's Day weekend!! We planned that terribly since nobody could help us but I could NOT wait any longer. We are still not done getting settled and have zero plants or bushes but I LOVE MY HOUSE. I love living here and knowing that I will die here. (well, maybe not inside the house but it's mine forever). We survived living in the tiny one room cabana!

Maggie Lynn turned 2. It's amazing watching her grow and learn more every day. Sometimes she shocks me with what she understands and can do.

We got pregnant. Not many people know that. It happened all on it's own which was a huge shock since we were told it could not happen. The timing was terrible - we found out the week before the 3 Day event. That meant I still did the event but I took it easy on myself. I only ended up walking 13ish miles a day. On Day 3, I started bleeding and spent that day in the hospital, missing the Closing Ceremony. By Tuesday of the following week, I had a miscarriage. It was a very tough week but I am also at peace and know that it will happen if it is meant to and definitely in God's timing. He definitely taught me that through all of this. I debated even mentioning it but if it helps someone else who is struggling, I want to put it out there. I think our entire infertility struggle needs to be out there to help others who are also struggling.

Jeff and I both turned 37. How in the world are we both that old? I swear I am still 25 until I do the math.

I look forward to 2015. There are things I want to do and aspects of my life I want to strengthen and grow. I am unbelievably lucky to have some folks willing to walk through all of that with me as well! I don't usually do resolutions but I did write some down for myself this year. I want to remember them as much as possible.

My 2015 Resolutions

Be Awesome
Do Good
Daily Devotional
Be More Present
Focus on Friendships
Run 3 5Ks
Read 3 non-fiction books (starting with Daniel Plan)
Finish Dissertation
Comment more, like less
Be kick butt life group co-coordinator

Well, I’ve made it to 22 weeks. That’s pretty exciting! At the beginning, I thought I would never get here. It’s hard to believe I still have 18 more weeks to go (hopefully). It’s been interesting so far. My 18 week sonogram didn’t show us the sex or the spine. It did show us that my cervix was jutted up right next to the placenta. That’s not something they want. We were told that it could still move, which is what we want. Today, it moved a little. Instead of mild placenta previa I now have a low lying placenta. It doesn’t sound as bad and I get to go back in a month to check it again. The good part about all this is that I keep getting sonograms since they are checking for all of that. Typically the last one is the 20 week. The sonographer was able to tell/show mom what the baby is. We are having our gender reveal party (thanks to my awesome sister in law & brother) tomorrow night so we will all find out what it is then. I cannot wait to find out if it will be a boy or a girl. We have the names picked out (and will reveal those tomorrow night as well) and will find out coconut’s real name. I also get to start shopping!! Since I’m off work this week, mom and I are going to register. Yay!! Here are some pics of the little one. Each time we go in, its hands are in its face/mouth. This time its legs were up by the head as well. (Just a secret – When I went in last time on Monday & on Thursday for sonos, the legs were in the same position. My thoughts were “is it paralyzed”?!? Yep – that’s how my crazy paranoid mind works!)

The little foot up by the head.

The side view

The face looking right at us as soon as we started. He/she was saying hi :) I think it's a little scary since it still looks like a skeleton :)

15 wks

Well, the news is out. Our first IUI worked! I had to give myself shots in the stomach for 5 days and a trigger shot on the last day. Then we had to go in for checkups every few days for an egg count/size. The procedure happened on a Saturday. Then we had to wait two whole weeks until I could find out if it worked or not. I actually tested the day before I went in for my blood work and it was positive! I took 2 more tests to make sure. Of course, the blood work was positive as well :) I am now in my 15th week. I still nervous and worried about everything. I am also still nauseas if I eat too much or if I eat the wrong things (too many sweet, fried, or fatty foods). The nice thing about that is I actually lost about 8 lbs the first trimester instead of gained any. I can also fall asleep just sitting here still. Once I get in bed though – that’s a whole other story. It takes me forever to fall asleep at night and I typically wake up around 5:00 am even though I don’t have to wake up until 7:45! Maybe that’s why I still need nap time! :) We have the nursery room cleared out and are now just waiting to see what color we will paint it. I get so excited planning for the future but then have to check myself. I don’t want to get too ahead of myself. It’s tough, though. We have been wanting this for almost 3 years! We tried for so long. It’s still hard to believe it has actually happened!! I’m excited about the 2nd trimester. Everyone tells me I will start feeling better and will have tons more energy! I do have a little more energy (I’m not going to bed at 7 anymore) but it’s not like I was hoping. I keep having the growth pains and a pain in my hip. I have random pains throughout my stomach that worry me for a while and then they go away :) (I had the growth pain at the beginning and with Google, convinced myself it was an ectopic pregnancy so I went in for a quick ultrasound). Having a checkup without ultrasounds once a month just isn’t enough! We should have ultrasounds each time. Jeff and I are working on picking out names. We have about 15 names for both. Now it’s time to narrow it down. I’d love to reveal that at the same time as when we reveal the gender. I can’t wait to find out! Only a few short weeks :) (Short, haha. These weeks DRAG by!)

No Tresspassing

I don't want to be a part of the club I'm in. I don't want to sit in the waiting room with other hopeful mommy-to-bes. I don't want to go to the clinic down the hall with Jeff and the other husbands. I don't want to sit through a two week wait to hear anything. I don't want to be disappointed over and over again.
I don't want my hormones to be out of control. I'm tired of everything.

Here goes nothing

So yeah. It's been a year since I've posted anything.
Mainly because I am overwhelmed with actual work and working on my school work. Also because I never know what to write or say.
It's been a rough year. Not as rough as some people have had it but rough for me.
We started back to school in August (as always) and the other counselor was there two days and then got sick. She never came back. I worked as the only counselor in a building of almost 1400 students. Can you say stress? I had all of these ideas I wanted to implement this year and ended up just trying to stay afloat. I'm not sure I did that great of a job, either. Which is frustrating because I hate doing a half-ass job. I know I could have done better had I not been the only counselor there.
Cut to October. Jeff moved out for a month. We have since been to counseling and he is back home and we are doing great. I guess it was the kick in the pants we needed to start working on our relationship instead of just letting it happen. We are both so stubborn! Darn the luck.

Here we are now. Married 3 1/2 years. Been trying for 3 years to have a baby and every month feeling more and more disappointed. So, we went to the fertility doctor back in November. He told us what we would do when we were ready (we weren't quite there yet).

Now it's February. We are ready. We are ready to try and pay to make this baby happen! So I had my first appointment on Tuesday. I now get to take pills (double what I ever took before) and give myself shots for 5 days. Then we go back and check my girly parts to see if it did anything. I'm not sure what happens after that - we've never done it before!

I'm trying to stay positive but not get my hopes up. There is nothing worse than thinking it will happen and then on day 28, it doesn't.

I will have to say, we picked the worst time to start trying. We started TELPAS this week and we have TAKS testing within the next two weeks. On top of that, we have career day coming AND my district wants to run some benchmarks before spring break. PLUS, I have comps for the next week. Comps where I lock myself in my room and do nothing but write on the 8 topics they will be delivering to my inbox tomorrow morning. Comps where I have to pass them in order to proceed to the next part of my education. Comps where if I fail, the past 2 years will have been for nothing.

I haven't had time to start. I haven't had time to prep. I have been at work until 7 or 8 some nights, then the hour to drive home. By the time I get home, I just want to go to bed. All of this testing and I feel like I am still going it alone at work. Mainly because my one and a half counselors have never done it before. I need to train them and explain it all to them but I barely have time to do it myself.

I feel whiny, dizzy, and a little sick to my stomach right now. Of course, I did just take a double dose of clomid and those are the side effects. With my hormones going out of whack, imagine how pleasant I will be this weekend. Good thing I told Jeff to find outside activities so I can focus!

All of this to say, this is what's new. I could use prayers! I need them. Jeff needs them. I hope to keep this updated as we move forward.

18 facts about me

18 random tidbits about me

1. Inside my purse, you’ll discover: I have a ton of junk in there. Pens,
makeup, wallet, iphone, tylenol, hand sanitizer, bandaids, allergy meds, tums, tylenol, gift cards, nail file & polish, sunglasses, several lipglosses and chapsticks, lotion, gum, businesscards, gum, flash drive

2. My secret talent is: I honestly can't think of a secret talent.

3. If stranded on an island, the five things I could not live without are:
chapstick, phone, dr.pepper, pillow and blanket

4. On my nightstand you’ll find: lamp, water bottles, book(s), phone charger,
(right now a portable dvd player), picture of me & Jeff, remotes, ad for Bed
Bath & Beyond

5. When I grew up, I wanted to be: a lawyer

6. My worst job: I liked all my jobs alot. I guess when I worked at the
brokerage firm, I was the least challenged and knew that was not my lifelong
career.

7. My comfort food: mac & cheese, ice cream and dr. pepper

8. Three songs on my IPOD’s most played list: Glee anything, Michael Buble, and
musicals

9. The three books that make me think of my childhood:-To Kill a Mockingbird,
Babysitters Club, and Sweet Valley High books

10.My favorite Chick Flick: Bridget Jones' Diary (watched it 3 times on Wednesday)

11.My favorite Chick Lit book: I like the shopaholic series, Nicholas Sparks (is
he chick lit? Somehow I doubt it), Jane Green, I love all chick lit!

12. My “must see” TV: Here goes - Glee, Hell's Kitchen, the Office, Psych, Good
Guys (yes, I'm the only one who likes it), So You Think You Can Dance, Big
Brother, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang, House, My Boys, House

13. My Starbucks order: Non-fat Venti Iced Chai Latte with easy ice and salted caramel hot chocolate

14. My favorite curse word: Damn

15 My celebrity man crush: John Cusack

16. My celebrity girl crush: None at the moment

17. My writer crush: Sparks

18. My last meal before execution: Steak & Sushi w/truffle mac & cheese and ice
cream

They're not working

The antibiotics are over.
I'm not sure if they are working or not. So far, no BFP. Every time my pyramid shows up, I'm sad.
I go to my dr this month and Jeff goes back early February. I'm excited to see his results and to know what we do next. Obviously doing this on our own is still not working, even though Jeff was hopeful it would.
He is so positive that things will work out and we will get pregnant naturally. I just can't feel the same. I can't even picture myself pregnant. Is that because we have been trying for so long or is it because I never will be and my body knows this? That's a sad thought. I'm hoping it because I am just scared to get my hopes up.
I know this, no fun Christmas announcement for us :(